Kind of wondering why it’s 12:47 AM. Freaking out that it’s 12:47 AM. Just woke up at 12:47 AM. Sigh.
- 90% of the time I’m going to hate group work. I’m usually the person who does all the work. When I’m not the person to do all the work, I start hating the idea and everything with it. I’m a bitter person.
- What the hell am I doing with my life?
- Walking to class while the campus is empty feels nice (even if you’re late).
- I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Hanf was relocated next to the bathrooms.
- I’m going to fail AP Physics no doubt.
- The school year is going by at a slow and fast pace. All at the same time. Already. Yeah.
- The hallways feel empty. I wish we had more people at our school. I don’t care what you heard, we’re not “ghetto”. Seriously.
- Our big group has disintegrated. Though, sitting with Ada at lunch is still nice. I like having both lunches.
- I miss Conrad and Adrian.
- Homecoming is just around the corner. Busy as hell.
- I love Viviane’s OCD.
- I’m a liar.
- I love ending the day with Japanese. Very easy but very boring.
- I wish we still talked. I don’t know what happened. We used to be best friends.
- I love Key Club board meetings. Everyone knows each other, and we can all mess around lovingly. Mr. Greenbaum’s awesome for having orange hardstock paper. Nancy’s an awesome copy center aid.
- I change into tennis clothes in empty English rooms.
- Jacky Chan is officially 200% Asian. I’m going to miss the alumni.
- Playing tennis in 100+ degree weather is no bueno. Tiffany’s too good for me to rally with. I’m rusty, and I suck. I’m going to get dark in no time. I feel bad that I haven’t been attending practices. I wish I had some friendly, personal tennis couch that I wouldn’t feel so embarrassed to be around. I need to work on my backhand and my awkward footwork.
- I’m going to get heatstroke. Why am I breathing so much? Fuck.
- I’m doing too much. Too many things I don’t really want to do. I lack dedication.
- Goodness, I love cold showers after tennis practice. Walking around an empty house naked is pretty nice too.
- No homework? Fuck yeah.
- I need to learn how to edit videos already.
- Who’s going to be on the club boards next year?
- Should I take AP Gov/Econ next year?
- Remember to breathe.
- Relationships aren’t linear.
- My walls are too high up. People always keep trying to talk to me, but I always keep ignoring them. What’s wrong with me? No wonder I’m so damn lonely. Why do I hold so many grudges?
- I wish I could just lay down and think about things. Eventually, I get bored then get back on the computer.
- I ignore 90% of phone calls when a contact name is not showing up.
- I hate printing all these papers. Wastes my ink, wastes my paper.
- I wish I could just catch up with some people. Really.
- I’m super excited for Club Rush. I think I’ll look like a freak wearing a tutu. Even better.
Remember that everything will be alright.
Maybe if I stopped with expectations, I wouldn’t ever be disappointed. This seems reasonable, right? Then again, it is not realistic. The thing about it is that we are constantly expecting for certain things to happen. All we can do is wait because sometimes, we have no control over situations. Sometimes life plays out in favor of our desires. Yet sometimes, we are left with disappointment hovering over our souls. We will expect and we will be disappointed, we cannot help it.
Maybe that’s just the thing. My walls are too high for anyone to reach. Have I really let anyone in? How can you tell? I hardly let myself get too close with anyone. It’s a horrible thing, isn’t it? They say to take risks, live life. I try to, but sometimes it isn’t enough. I give off an “I-don’t-care” attitude, but sometimes it really is just a facade. It’s to protect me from being hurt, it’s to show that I can’t get hurt. But really, I’m as vulnerable as they get. Maybe that’s why things have just felt so “linear” for the past year or so. I put on my mask, kept my distance, and went on with my days. A few bumps here and there but never anything too drastic. It was hard to see how everyone else was having such hard times in life, yet I wasn’t bothered by a thing. I’d hear about their problems, their stories, yet I had none of my own.
Then I begin to think.. who knows me? I feel like I don’t even know myself. How can someone else know me if I don’t even know myself? Maybe understand is the word. I don’t understand myself. I say I’m a simple yet complex individual—how contradicting. The people I hang out with on a day to day basis. Do they even know me? Do I even know them? Maybe I just don’t allow the time to get to know them. I’m such a selfish person. I’m not nice at all. Nothing nice ever flows out of my mouth. Everyone around me has such good intentions. I don’t see why they stick around sometimes. They do me favors, help me out, all of that. I do nothing in return. Sometimes I ignore them. Sometimes I don’t return the favor on purpose. I sit around at lunch or in class and sometimes it gets lonely. I know people, people know me. I hang around with a big group, but it still feels lonely. Sometimes I just sit there listening to the conversations, never contributing. Sometimes people forget I’m even there. Well, here I am. Sometimes I feel like someone who’ll just be forgotten. Perhaps that’s just my own fault.
Yet another thought, yet another day. No idea where my mind is going, but it keeps going and going without end.