38-40th Official Day of Summer
June 27-29, 2011
There comes a point where even the strongest heart becomes exhausted, the bravest becomes hesitant and the brightest lose its light. Why does fire seem most beautiful on the darkest nights and why does shade save us on the hottest days? We want what we don’t have and we chase after what does not want to be followed but we cannot deny the mystery that attracts the curious and the stubborn. I surrender my judgement to the potential that I caught glimpse of. A speck of gold with a whole lot of fronts and history; my kind of recipe for disaster but how could I expect you to understand that my entire being craves for these catastrophes hidden within between wet pillows and hopeful mornings? Trouble compels me and you are the mistakes I swore to never repeat; to never let myself become interested and to never give you the pleasures of breaking down my walls. You will not win if I never lose. And I cannot afford to lose again.
In this endless search for pleasure, we must first meet pain. And in time we realize that, what hurts us the most, lies closely intertwined with what we love the most. You always get both; never one without the other. Never joy without sadness. Never love without hate. And never recovery, without the self-defining sutures.
The sadness, the heartache, the mental and emotional pain we put ourselves through.
And for what?
We often forget that keeping relationships alive requires more than just good intentions. No matter what “thick and thin” you have been through, the person you hold closest today may walk out of your life tomorrow. What hurts most is if they leave without any explanation, or justified reason. When this occurs, don’t be surprised if uncertainty and rhetorical questions arise. Remember that perfection doesn’t exist—except perhaps on the big screen. You are obligated to feel doubtful, hopeless, and disappointed every once in a while—that’s why it’s called experience. You learn about others, and you learn about yourself. You realize the qualities you look for in people, and you take mental note of the things that get on your nerves. But whatever it is you do, don’t second-guess yourself at your own expense—because most of the time, your initial gut feeling is the correct one.
A few of my brother’s friends came over today to play some Magic: The Gathering. How nostalgic. A room of 26+ year olds playing a card game they’ve been playing since the beginning of their high school years. The funny thing is that they used to be my “babysitters”—as a kid, I’d have to go with my brother to his friends’ houses to watch them play this card game. I’d run around, bug them, talk to them, and even learn how to play the game myself. I can faintly remember the countless hours and days I’d spend watching as they “tapped” their cards, talked about their different types of decks, played mindless computer games, and shoo me away. My brother absolutely dreaded having to take me, his nine-years-younger little sister, to other people’s houses. Funny thing is that I enjoyed myself most of the time playing with the older “kids”, and one guy named Wayne (he’s actually over right now) was my #1 babysitter. He’d watch Blue’s Clues with me (he loved Steve), color with me, and simply just play with me. He’d comfort me when my brother was being a complete jerk too.
I guess it’s just crazy to think about how fast time passes. I used to be this little kid these teenagers would have to watch over. Now, I’m the teenager watching as these 26+ year old men occasionally come back together to play a few rounds of Magic: the Gathering (or sometimes even Risk). What’s even crazier is that Jolie (my brother’s daughter) is in the picture. She runs around as they play Magic, and I’m the one watching her this time. Andre (Barton’s (another friend of my brother) older brother) mentioned how I was practically how Jolie was. “So incoming senior, eh? You make me feel so old! You used to be THIS (shows a lowly raised hand) tall and jumping around all over us. Kind of like how Jolie is now,” he said to me. I smiled and laughed at his remark and thought about my fading childhood.
We’re all getting older and older. I can’t take this time for granted. Before I know it, I’ll be in my brother’s position having these occasional gatherings to catch up with high school friends.