I’m a hopeless romantic grounded by reality. I’d like to believe in fairy tales, soul mates tied by fate, and love that lasts. But I look around and see high divorce rates, arguments over little things, misunderstandings complemented by misunderstandings, and feelings that vanish overnight.
I think of you and wonder how I could’ve fallen over such a short time span. How did you manage to melt all the ice around this cold heart and walk through all the walls I placed around myself? It’s been a really, really long time since anyone came this close. And honestly, I feel so undeserving of your kindness. I push, I yell, I fight. I’m selfish. I’ll want you to stick around. I’ll want my space. I’ll want, want, want, and sometimes I won’t give as much as I take (but I’ll try my best). It’s going to be tough. I was never Patience or Distance’s best friend. I fear you’ll find my flaws, physically and mentally, and I fear that I just won’t be.. enough. Because shit, I feel like I never am. I’m so unsure of everything in my life, and I fear the unknown future that lies ahead of me. But what I do know is that I want this, you, us.
Man, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Though, honestly, it’s not going to make any sense once put into words. We always say we know ourselves best, there’s no one who will understand us more than ourselves. Shit like that. But what if that’s complete bullshit? I mean.. screw everyone who has this misconception of us, everyone who has judged us without even starting a legitimate conversation, everyone who has based our personalities off the stories they’ve heard. But seriously, we are our own worst critics, and we also have a tendency to glorify ourselves a bit. We put ourselves down, we’ll bring ourselves up. What if how we perceive ourselves is completely different to how we truly are? What if our friends, best friends, true friends, family—those people—are the ones who know who and how we truly are? They are the ones who have this perspective on us that we will never see. They see our actions, hear our words, and piece together who we are from that. All we see of ourselves is from the reflection of a mirror—how do we even know that’s real?
Seriously, why do I make things exponentially more complicated for myself? Wish I knew what I wanted, wish I was a bit more upfront and straight forward. Maybe then I wouldn’t be getting myself into shit all the time.
Edwin and I ‘ventured around Balboa Park, and we decided to have this man do a card and palm reading for us. Learned an offer was given to me about half a year ago, judgment is being passed, and it’s something that’s bad for me in the lack of spiritual growth, but it’ll go smoothly. As for relationships, I missed someone a few months ago, but they weren’t there for me. The road ahead of me will be confusing as well, and I’ll face jealousy at one point. I’ve had a fatherly figure’s support through thick and thin, and it’ll continue for a while. As for my palms, I am a “compassionate genius,” but I don’t use it to my full potential. I’ll face health problems at 45, but I’ll live long ‘til my 90s. Relationships are.. underdeveloped. Very.
“Your life’s just starting fresh.”
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder:
What if I chose to go somewhere else?
How would my path be paved differently?
Where would I be at in life?
Would it change who I’d ultimately become?
I’d like to think:
Fate has a way of working things out in the end.
I’ll just have to wait and see.
/shrug.
- I’m scrolling through Tumblr during lecture, and all I see are butts. Butts, butts, butts.
- On that coffee grind during the morning. Need to fight off the temptation to pair it up with…
- Can’t believe the bbys are applying for colleges. Ask me for help pls, I love to help. ‘specially if you’re applying for UCSD, kthx.
- I’m stoked for club meetings to start up.. Really want to check out CKI, and Keianne and I want to go to MASA to look at cute people. c:
- Keep positive
Wow, had a roomie moment. After last night, I had a ridiculous amount of doubtful thoughts. I miss Elk Grove, and I miss the comforts of my true friends. Lisa came back talking about how awkward it was to hang out with some J-House kids and how she just didn’t click with them. “I don’t want to feel like I’m hanging out with them just because of alcohol… I just want to find my group of people.” We miss high school, we miss home, we miss belonging somewhere. As nice as everyone is here, it’s been difficult to find a group of people to hang out with. I’d like to think it’s ‘cause classes haven’t even started yet, but when and where will I find my niche?
/endramble.
Ugh I’m just getting really emotional and sentimental. I have a handful of people that have forever been dear to me, I have met such great people, I have gotten closer to people I never expected to get close to, and I just don’t want to leave. It’s only Sunday and I can’t stop feeling this way. The tears just keep coming and I’m just so sad and it’s so heartbreaking and all I want to do is spend time with the people I care about for the next few days but everyone either has class or is working or is busy and it’s just I want to be selfish and I want to be with them and cherish these last few moments because I always take everything for granted and think my time here is limitless and that I can see them “whenever.” I know life goes on and I’ll see everyone within two months and everyone’s grown up now and going their own ways and doing their own thing.. but I’m just really going to miss everyone despite how much I really don’t talk to them or see them. These people have always been so damn kind to me and everyone’s always taking care of me because I’m such a big baby and despite my mean, sarcastic words, they’re always there for me. Fuck it’s just so hard to part ways with people. So. fucking. hard. Now that Thursday’s just around the corner, I’m just not ready at all.
/endramble.
I don’t know. It just seems like people have it so set for themselves, but what the hell are all the rest of us doing?
I wish we met people in their true, raw forms. No masks, no sugar-coated greetings. But who are we truly? Are we just a mask under a mask? According to Buddhism, the masks we present ourselves as do not exist and the you that you think you are does not exist (or something like that). So.. who are we? I don’t know.
Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing? This trip is breaking me down—it should’ve done the opposite. Funny how it all started with simply talking about the irony of wanting to stay in the comfort of our homes when we’ve been dying to get out of Elk Grove for years. Everyone’s splitting off. We may never talk again.
Why is it so hard for me to get along with people? Am I too shy? Too judgmental? Too awkward? I don’t know. I think I don’t like people who get along easily with people. Maybe because they please people too easily. Something’s wrong in that—being able to please everyone. I think I like seeing the true, raw flaws of people. It makes them human. But I don’t like when people’s flaws are so obviously irksome. Does that even make sense? That’s probably my flaw. Hot-headed, temperamental. Maybe that’s why I don’t get along with people.
I don’t know. All in all, I’m tired. Tired of the same shitty, fake people at school and around town. Tired of rejection. Tired of society. Tired of the questions. We were so excited about college, but now that it’s knocking at our door, I’m just not so sure anymore. I just want to relax for once.
